Nicolas Cage’s hair is the most memorable thing about Next, a sci-fi thriller directed with semi-verve by Lee Tamahori (Die Another Day, XXX: State of the Union). Tamahori knows action but that can’t save the irritatingly pointless Next from taking one disastrous misstep after another. Clever editing and an intriguing premise are wasted when on a film that’s loaded with plot holes and loopy logic, and filled with incredibly bad dialogue.

A group of thieves steal a rare gem, but in the process, two of the men double cross the leader of the thieving group, Patrick (Sean Bean), and take off with the precious stone. Ten years later, prominent psychiatrist Nathan Conrad (Michael Douglas) is invited to examine a disturbed young woman named Elisabeth (Brittany Murphy). Patrick immediately kidnaps Nathan’s daughter, forcing Nathan to attempt to get Elisabeth to reveal a secret number which will ultimately lead Patrick to the whereabouts of the precious gem that has eluded him. Written by Anna {dimenxia@yahoo.com}

Frank Martin is the best in the business. The ex-Special Forces operative hires himself out as a mercenary “transporter” who moves goods–human or otherwise. Very simple, he delivers, no questions asked. Frank has relocated from the French Mediterranean to Miami, Florida, where as a favor to a friend, Frank is driving for the wealthy Billings family. There’s very little that can surprise The Transporter, but young Jack Billings has done just that; Frank has unexpectedly bonded with Jack, age 6, who he drives to and from school. But when Jack is kidnapped, Frank must use his battle-tested combat skills to retrieve the boy and thwart the kidnappers’ master plan to release a virus that will kill anyone with whom it comes in contact. Written by Anthony Pereyra {hypersonic91@yahoo.com}

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John Smith is an amoral gunslinger in the days of Prohibition. On the lam from his latest (unspecified) exploits, he happens upon the town of Jericho, Texas. Actually, calling Jericho a town would be too generous–it has become more like a ghost town, since two warring gangs have ‘driven off all the decent folk.’ Smith sees this as an opportunity to play both sides off against each other, earning himself a nice piece of change as a hired gun. Despite his strictly avowed mercenary intentions, he finds himself risking his life for his, albeit skewed, sense of honor…. Written by Tad Dibbern {DIBBERN_D@a1.mscf.upenn.edu}

For 400 years, Japan has been home to a secret criminal organization dedicated to its own supremacy in the underworld. Ruled by an ancient, arcane code of honor, the deadly Yakuza have been among the most feared members of society. Even today, they are immediately recognizable by the stunningly ornate tattoos that cover their bodies, telling the terrifying story of their stature and career in a dark order that knows no mercy. Now the Yakuza are coming to Los Angeles. But in America, they’re going to meet their match. Two cops are on their trail. One’s an American raised in Japan. He’s got the mind and spirit of a samurai, and the body of a human fighting machine. The other’s a Japanese-American raised in California’s San Fernando Valley. He’s into malls, pizza and MTV. But he can disarm five gunmen with his bare feet. One’s a warrior. One’s a wise-ass. But together they’ve got what it takes to remove some tattoos from Little Tokyo. “Showdown in Little Tokyo” stars action favorite Dolph Lundgren as Chris Kenner, a man fighting for his adopted heritage and his family’s honor; and Brandon Lee, in his first American film role, as Johnny Murata, a guy whose idea of a good time includes knowing where–and how–to get his kicks. Opposites in attitude, once they get on the streets, they’re a perfect odd couple. And what they have in common is their enemy–the Yakuza who are bringing a lethal new drug trade to Los Angeles, coupled with a macabre taste for violence and cruelty. Written by anonymous

In a city where streets are overrun by drug dealers, those who have sworn to uphold the law are breaking them to clean up the streets. Denzel Washington plays L.A.P.D detective Alonzo Harris, a veteran narcotics officer whose methods of enforcing the law are questionable, if not corrupt. ‘Training Day‘ follows Harris as he trains rookie Jake Hoyt (Ethan Hawk) over a period 24 hours. Ethical dilemmas arise for Hoyt as well as the audience as questions present themselves as to whether or not Harris’ methodology for ridding the streets of South Central Los Angeles of drugs is right or wrong. Written by Anna {dimenxia@yahoo.com}

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In a futuristic world, a strict regime has eliminated war by suppressing emotions: books, art and music are strictly forbidden and feeling is a crime punishable by death. Cleric John Preston (Bale) is a top ranking government agent responsible for destroying those who resist the rules. Whe he misses a dose of Prozium, a mind-altering drug that hinders emotion, Preston, who has been trained to enforce the strict laws of the new regime, suddenly becomes the only person capable of overthrowing it. Written by Anonymous

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King Roland of the planet Druidia is trying to marry his daughter Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga) to Prince Valium, but Vespa is kidnapped by the evil race of the Spaceballs. The Spaceballs ask Roland a tremendous ransom: all the air of Druidia (you see, the air of Spaceball had serious pollution problems…). The King decides to offer a generous amount of money to a space rogue, Lone Starr, to persuade him to save Vespa. What follows is the parody of a _LOT_ of famous SF movies. Written by Flavio Rizzardi {spillo@maya.dei.unpid.it}

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Do you ever feel like everyone but you is in on the joke? I didn’t feel that way with Wes Anderson’s other films – “Bottle Rocket,” “Rushmore,” or the amazing “Royal Tenenbaums.” Those films were clever but never condescending. Those I understood and basically stood in awe of. But from the title to the bizarre action sequences, “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou” left me feeling like an outsider looking in.

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It was an ingenious enough plan: rob the Riviera Casino’s count room during an Elvis impersonator convention. But Thomas Murphy decided to keep all the money for himself and shot all his partners, including recently-freed ex-con Michael Zane. With $3.2 million at stake, the Marshals Service closing in, and single mom Cybil Waingrow and her son Jesse constantly confounding things, Michael must track down Murphy. Written by Jeff Cross {blackjac_1998@yahoo.com}