Sexual jolts disrupt Manhattan physician Bill Harford’s equilibrium. At an elegant Christmas party, two “models” hit on him, he watches a Lothario try to pick up his tipsy wife, he aids a woman sprawled naked in a bathroom after an overdose. The next night, his wife reveals sexual fantasies with a stranger; a dead patient’s daughter throws herself at him; as he walks, brooding, six teen boys hurl homophobic insults at him; a streetwalker takes him to her flat; he interrupts men having a sex party with a girl barely in her teens. His odyssey, which next takes him into a world of wealthy sex play at a masked ball of hedonism, threatens his life, his self-respect, and his marriage. Written by {jhailey@hotmail.com}

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on Howard and Tom Hanks miss the boat with this uninspired and flat adaptation of Dan Brown’s controversial bestseller, The Da Vinci Code. It’s sad (even disturbing) to admit but those who’ve banned the film may actually have done potential ticket buyers a favor.

I get it! I finally understand the point of a guy dressing up in a batsuit and flying around Gotham fighting crime. Finally after all these years, someone’s found a way to make it all seem logical to a non-comic book person like myself.

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Intrepid British archaeologist Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) has made perhaps the most important archaeological discovery in history: an orb that leads to the mythical Pandora’s Box. Unfortunately, the orb falls into the hands of Jonathan Reiss (Ciarán Hinds), an evil scientist who deals in killer viruses and hopes to sell the secrets of the box as the ultimate weapon. Recruited by British Intelligence to get the orb back from Reiss, Lara recruits Terry Sheridan (Gerard Butler), a British marine turned mercenary (and her former love interest) to help. The two embark on an adventure that spans continents in an attempt to regain the orb… Written by Gavin Nelson

A member of a rich British aristocratic family, Lara Croft is a “tomb raider” who enjoys collecting ancient artifacts from ruins of temples, cities, etc. worldwide, and doesn’t mind going through death-defying dangers to get them. She is skilled in hand-to-hand combat, weapons training, and foreign languages - and does them all in tight outfits. Well, the planets of the solar system are going into planetary alignment (Which occurs every 5,000 years), and a secret society called the Illuminati is seeking an ancient talisman that gives its possessor the ability to control time. However, they need a certain clock/key to help them in their search, and they have to find the talisman in one week or wait until the next planetary alignment to find it again. Lara happens to find that key hidden in a wall of her mansion. The Illuminati steal it, and Lara gets an old letter from her deceased father telling her about the society’s agenda (Her father was also the one who hid the key). Now, she must retrieve the key and find and destroy the talisman before the Illuminati can get their hands on it. Written by Vampirok

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Former cop Brian O’Conner who teams up with his ex-con pal Roman Pearce to transport a shipment of ‘dirty’ money for shady Miami-based import-export dealer Carter Verone, while actually working with undercover agent Monica Clemente to bring Verone down. Written by rupekooner

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The story begins as “Don” Vito Corleone, the head of a New York Mafia “family”, oversees his daughter’s wedding. His beloved son Michael has just come home from the war, but does not intend to become part of his father’s business. Through Michael’s life the nature of the family business becomes clear. The business of the family is just like the head of the family, kind and benevolent to those who give respect, but given to ruthless violence whenever anything stands against the good of the family. Don Vito lives his life in the way of the old country, but times are changing and some don’t want to follow the old ways and look out for community and “family”. An up and coming rival of the Corleone family wants to start selling drugs in New York, and needs the Don’s influence to further his plan. The clash of the Don’s fading old world values and the new ways will demand a terrible price, especially from Michael, all for the sake of the family. Written by Charlie Ness

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Michael J. “Crocodile” Dundee is an Australian crocodile hunter who lives in the Australian outback and runs a safari business with his trusted friend and mentor Walter Reilly. After surviving a crocodile attack, a New York journalist named Sue arrives to interview Mick about how he survived and learns more about the crocodile hunter. After saving Sue from a crocodile, Sue invites Mick to visit New York City, since Mick has never been to a city. Mick finds the culture and life in New York City a lot different than his home and he finds himself falling in love with Sue. Written by Daniel Williamson

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Elliot Richardson, suicidal techno geek, is given seven wishes to turn his life around when he meets up with a very seductive Satan. The catch: his soul. Some of his wishes include a 7 foot basketball star, a rock star, and a hamburger. But, as could be expected, the Devil must put her own little twist on each his fantasies. Written by MrGreen

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“Underworld” starts off slow, speeds up when the action sequences kick in, then it gets itself totally mired down in the La Brea Tar Pit of Incomprehensible Plotlines. Unfortunately even the most spectacular looking and beautifully choreographed fight sequences cannot overcome the convoluted story.

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