Ex-Special Forces operator Frank Martin lives what seems to be a quiet life along the French Mediterranean, hiring himself out as a mercenary “transporter” who moves goods–human or otherwise–from one place to another. No questions asked. Carrying out mysterious and sometimes dangerous tasks in his tricked-out BMW, Frank adheres to a strict set of rules, which he never breaks. Rule One: Never change the deal. Rule Two: No names–Frank doesn’t want to know whom he’s working for, or what he’s transporting. Rule Three: never look in the package. Frank’s newest transport seems no different from the countless ones he’s done in the past. He’s been hired by an American known only as “Wall Street” to make a delivery; but when Frank stops along the route, he notices his package is moving. Violating Rule Three, Frank looks inside the bag, finding its contents to be a beautiful, gagged woman. Frank’s steadfast adherence to his other two rules–which make up his basic code of survival–also quickly fails, hurtling him and his new companion on a road leading to shocking secrets, deadly complications, and the last thing that Frank ever expected to come to believe: that rules are made to be broken. Written by Anthony Pereyra {hypersonic91@yahoo.com}

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200 years after the conclusion of Alien 3, the company is able to resurrect Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) through the process of cloning and the scientists successfully take the Queen Alien out of her. But, Ripley’s DNA gets mixed up with the Queen’s and she begins to develop certain alien characteristics. The scientists begin breeding the aliens, but they later escape. Soon the Xeno-morphs are running amok on the ship, which is on course to earth. The Queen then gives birth to a deadly new breed of alien, which could spell disaster for the entire human race. It’s up to Ripley and a band of space pirates to stop the ship before it reaches earth. Written by Andrew Kasch {akasch@Chattanooga.net}

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In Ruggsville, Texas, the police under the command of Sheriff John Quincy Wydell attack the house of the sadistic serial killers Firefly family (a.k.a. The Devil’s Reject) and they arrest mother Firefly, but Otis B. Driftwood and Baby Firefly escape from the siege. Tiny is wandering nearby the house and also escapes. Otis and Baby call their patriarch, the mad clown Captain Spaulding and they schedule to reunite at an isolated motel in the desert. When Otis and Baby arrive, they kidnap two families of singers, using sadism and violence against the harmless persons. Meanwhile, Sheriff Wydell promises to capture and kill the runaways, seeking revenge for the death of his brother, the Deputy George Wydell. Written by Claudio Carvalho, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

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Do not go into “Bad Santa” thinking you’re about to see the normal ‘Christmas is magical, everyone goes to bed with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads, and behind every Scrooge there’s a jolly old elf just waiting to emerge’ movie. First of all, Christmas is only magical for the first 15 minutes of shopping when the reality of overpriced presents and pushy crowds hasn’t yet sunk in. Secondly, I don’t know a single person who ever dreamed of sugarplums. And third, miraculous transformations are more in keeping with fairy tales than real life. Sometimes a Scrooge just is a Scrooge. “Bad Santa” takes those cynical thoughts to the extreme, gleefully lashing out at the holiday season and all those sticky sweet Hollywood movies with ho ho happy endings.

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Topper Harley is found to be working as an odd-job-man in a monastery. The CIA want him to lead a rescue mission into Iraq, to rescue the last rescue team, who went in to rescue the last rescue team who… who went in to rescue hostages left behind after Desert Storm. The president is Tug Benson, who also likes to be in on the action. Basically, it’s a send-up of all the big shoot-em-up Rambo/Robocop/T2/ Commando type movies. Written by Rob Hartill

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Turkish and his close friend/accomplice Tommy get pulled into the world of match fixing by the notorious Brick Top. Things get complicated when the boxer they had lined up gets the shit kicked out of him by Pitt, a ‘pikey’ ( slang for an Irish Gypsy)- who comes into the equation after Turkish, an unlicensed boxing promoter wants to buy a caravan off the Irish Gypsies. They then try to convince Pitt not only to fight for them, but to lose for them too. Whilst all this is going on, a huge diamond heist takes place, and a fistful of motley characters enter the story, including ‘Cousin Avi’, ‘Boris The Blade‘, ‘Franky Four Fingers’ and ‘Bullet Tooth Tony’. Things go from bad to worse as it all becomes about the money, the guns, and the damned dog! Written by Filmtwob {webmaster@filmfreak.co.za}

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In an ancient time, predating the pyramids, the evil king Memnon is using the psychic powers of his sorceress Cassandra to fortell his great victories. In a last ditch effort to stop Memnon from taking over the world, the leaders of the remaining free tribes hire the assassin Mathayus to kill the sorceress. But Mathayus ends up getting much more than he bargained for. Now with the help of the trickster Arpid, tribal leader Balthazar and an unexpected ally, it’s up to Mathayus to fufill his destiny and become the great Scorpion King. Written by Anonymous

I bet the filmmakers would love to have a dollar for every time someone compares this movie to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” Their coffers would be greatly enriched, as comparisons to Nia Vardalos‘ “Greek Wedding” are inevitable. As I left the screening, the majority of the audience rumblings had to do with renaming the film. I heard “My Big Fat Indian Wedding” and “My Big Fat Soccer Movie” kicked around the most frequently, proving that comparisons to last year’s indie-film-that-could will undoubtedly be made.

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Director Peter Jackson had big shoes to fill in creating “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” - his own (albeit in reality said shoes were most often missing, exposing feet that have been described as ‘hobbit-like’). With the first film garnering 13 Academy Award nominations, picking up American Film Institute and Screen Actors Guild Awards, doing boffo business at the box office, and accomplishing the near impossible - exceeding many Tolkien fanatics’ fantasies of a live action trilogy - Jackson set the bar incredibly high. Fortunately, this short, stout, visionary director turns out to be quite a high jumper.

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When his daughter is kidnapped and held in exchange for priceless diamonds, the leader of a crew of highly skilled urban thieves (DMX) forges an unlikely alliance with a Taiwanese Intelligence officer (Jet Li) to rescue her. Their race against the clock to find the precious stones ultimately unravels a plot to distribute a deadly new weapon of war. Written by PhatBleek

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